I have to be honest right up front. Forgiveness and I have not been the best of friends in the past, it just wasn’t my thing. It actually felt like a cop-out. But let me explain how I’ve come to learn why forgiveness is self-empowering.
Forgiving others
Why did I feel that forgiving someone was giving in, was almost like losing the argument? Well, I thought it was quite simple. If someone hurt you, really let you down, that meant they had done something bad. They were a bad person and should be made to pay for the pain they caused, surely! Forgiving them was therefore letting them get away with it, making it okay.
So what it is wrong with that attitude? Why is it ultimately detrimental to yourself? Because by not forgiving, you are left holding onto the anger and the resentment. It’s actually you who sits with the negative charge, not the person who caused it. And this is not good for mental or emotional health, for your wellbeing. Seething resentment can fester below the surface for years, potentially causing negative thinking patterns and depression.
One of my favourite yogic philosophy writers is Swami Chidvilasananda, who wrote My Lord Loves A Pure Heart and The Yoga of Discipline. She explains it very clearly:
Resentments, grudges, desires to take revenge – all these things do poison the atmosphere. By attacking the person who has offended you, you make it even more difficult for yourself. As time goes by, and your heart grows harder and colder, it becomes impossible to love another, to forgive another, and to feel your own goodness within.
Gurumayi Chivilasananda, The Yoga of Discipline p 99
My big “aha” moment came when I suddenly realised that something terrible must have happened to the offender’s heart to make them behave in a hurtful way and not feel able to apologise. That their heart had indeed grown hard and cold for some reason. And with this understanding, I could let my pain and resentment go. I was free. I liberated myself.
Forgiving yourself
Is this harder or easier than forgiving someone else? I’m not sure. It depends on the person. If you tend towards self-blame and being hard on yourself, then it’s probably harder. But the end result is the same: liberation and self-empowerment. By forgiving yourself, you let go of the self-loathing, the guilt and the shame that are weighing you down. Be aware that your heart has sustained damage through no fault of its own, from external influences, people and events. Remember, no one is born with a bad, emotionally damaged heart.
So therefore, either way, forgiveness is the greatest act of self-love. It dissolves anger. It’s the kindest way of looking after and nourishing your own heart and this is why forgiveness is self-empowering.